Ahhh, the supplement industry; rife with products claiming to enhance your physique and performance, but sadly many fall short on the results. I recall giggling at an article in Flex Magazine (back in the stone age of print media) asking which supplements IFBB pro Lee Priest uses before he trains, to which he replied, “I have my best workouts/pumps after a bowl of Fruit Loops and a Kit Kat bar.” Of course Lee was always known for his oddball behaviors and eccentric philosophies with regards to bodybuilding, but nevertheless there were some methods to his madness.
It’s quite remarkable to think how far supplements have come when you think back to the “golden era” of bodybuilding with big Lou and Arnold going toe-to-toe at the Olympia. In those days, a pre-workout drink was a cup of joe; these days its more along the lines of “Super Nanodrol 9X Beta Fusion Elite consisting of a proprietary blend of ultra thermogenic, hemodilating ingredients” which, in plain English, usually translates to caffeine and maybe some creatine and arginine.
Don’t get me wrong though; there are still a select variety of quality supplements out there that actually have some decent research to back up their claims. It’s not my intention to bash the supplement industry because I use several myself. But I will say that a lot of what is put out on the market these days seems to be borderline pixie dust. It’s none of my business to tell others how they should spend their money, but I do feel pity for those individuals who have more bunk supplements on their kitchen counter than the local pharmacy.
So to remedy this conundrum of wading through all the hype and bogusness of the supplements out there, I have taken it upon my own hands to create my own line of the top 10 next-generation, groundbreaking supplements that will hit the market. Don’t blink or you might miss this exclusive look inside the covert operations of my underground laboratory. We use only the purest, most bioavailable ingredients, all synthesized for human consumption; everything is cGMP certified and produced according to FDA standards. No fillers or proprietary blends will be found here! We also offer a 110% money-back guarantee (*product must not have been opened).
Don’t delay; get your pre-orders in now to reap the extreme muscle gains and fat-burning effects of these premium supplements before they hit store shelves. Don’t put a price tag on your health and physique goals…buy my products!
10 Amazing New Supplements
Pump Master pHlex—The world’s first pH optimizing creatine and arginine blend. The theory is that our special blend will optimize proton pumps in muscle cells, thereby bolstering the production of ATP. The results with this supplement will be drastic within the first few days of usage, especially if you use the recommended mega-dose of 4 servings per day.
Agent Orange—Don’t let the name fool you, this does not contain harmful chemicals (when taken in proper amounts). This blend of endorphin-releasing ingredients is sure to have you wreaking chemical warfare on the iron!
MASS-O-Chistic—The most hardcore blend of muscle building ingredients the market has ever seen! I can’t reveal the secret just yet, but you have my word that this will produce steroid-like results.
1-Hour Energy Shot—Who needs 5 hours of energy for a workout? Take this short-lived shot of caffeine anhydrous and Vitamin B12 to get you through that God-forsaken, treacherous hour of lifting weights…since it’s such an inconvenient and cumbersome part of your otherwise exciting day sitting behind a computer for 8 hours in a cubicle.
The Sauce—This is a unique, food-additive anabolic agent that comes in a variety of flavors to whet your muscle-craving appetite. Many of our preliminary findings are that subjects experience shocking muscle hypertrophy with NONE of the side effects of typical performance-enhancing drugs. (*Tests were done on rats)
Dream Cream—This seductively smooth lotion is to be applied directly on the skin within 20 minutes of the impending “moment”. (Note: We are not responsible for unplanned conceptions, please practice safe sex)
ProTonic—The most advanced formula for after a tough workout, ProTonic contains pure, undenatured cold-fusion, ion-exchange whey protein hydrolysate and pharmaceutical grade dextrorotatory glucose crytsals in a precise 1.35:2.75 ratio of protein to carbohydrates to ensure maximal muscle hypertrophy.
Vitamin X—Aptly named for its libido enhancing capability, this newly discovered biological molecule is sure to make a big name in the sexual well-being market.
Inslinity— “To the inslinity and beyond!” The world’s most powerful glucose-disposal agent, since your non-diabetic body is already so horrible at knowing what to do with carbohydrates.
DNAminos—A precise blend of research-proven deoxyribonucleic amino acids; ingest daily for superior genetic modification. Our favorite flavor is Purine Peach!
***Special Note for those who made it this far without catching on: This article is satire***