1) STUART MCROBERT IS TERRIFIED OF HIS OWN BLEEPING SHADOW.
His entire training philosophy, from his Brawn books, to Lose Fat, Get Fit, to his myriad articles, centers around the central premise of fear. McRobert is afraid of overtraining. He’s afraid of “dangerous exercises”. He’s afraid of injury. He’s afraid of cameras (has anyone EVER seen a picture of this “guru”?) He’s probably afraid of a litany of other things as well, but I’ve no interest in enumerating the lot of them. The main problem with this first point, other than the glaring issue of the fact that he’s a massive, bloody vagina, is the fact that he’s been able to spread his disgusting tripe all over bookstores and the Internet for going on 20 years, leaving a pile of slack-jawed pussies, lowered testosterone levels, and heightened serum cortisol levels in his wake. As such, he can go fuck himself.
2) HE’S COMPLETELY PREOCCUPIED WITH GENETICS.
McRobert has espoused that everyone train within their genetic potential for the entirety of his career. There are some obvious problems with this approach- namely, it automatically sets arbitrary limits and assumes failure, fails to give an adequate standard by which one could gauge one’s level of genetic fitness for bodybuilding, predicates his approach on a system of somatotyping that was abandoned and ridiculed by every single accredited person in the medical community decades ago, and apparently never heard of the idea that ontogenic adaptation and evolution occurs. Thus, he’s either willfully ignorant of reality, or is deliberately utilizing the public forum he has built to deliberately mislead people. He should begin fucking himself, stat.
3) HE COINED THE TERM “HARDGAINER.”
Though he coined this term, he at no point demonstrated conclusively a manner by which one could objectively determine one’s self to be one, thereby creating legions of pasty-faced assholes who will blather on about being hardgainers simply because they’ve never trained hard a day in their lives, their diets suck shit, they don’t squat or deadlift, and they think a workout routine consists of milling about Nautilus equipment for 45 minutes a day, three times a week. McRobert and his legions of hardgainers can go fuck themselves- they’re pussies though, so it won’t be the epic, Max Hardcore fucking they deserve.
4) HE ESPOUSES SAFE TRAINING.
What the fuck should be safe about training? If one’s life is not in imminent peril, where’s one’s motivation to lift a given weight? Furthermore, what the fuck is fun about being safe? What kid likes to wear a helmet when he rides a bike? What person likes to drive at or below the posted speed limit? What person likes watered-down alcohol? What person wants to box their friends wearing adequate protective gear? I’ll tell you who- desperately boring, testosterone-deficient, slack-jawed pussies who fear innovation, vibrance, and anything interesting, and who wouldn’t know a good time if ten topless, big-tittied sluts in micro-mini jean skirts awakened them from a dead sleep with the promise of 6 weeks of nonstop oral pleasure and drunken fisticuffs. The type of person who’s favorite color is beige and thinks that Barry Manilow is acceptable music to fuel a lifting session. You know who doesn’t like safe training? Anyone who wants to win a lifting competition, succeed in life, snap necks and cash checks, bend a chick over the counter at Denny’s in front of a bevy of startled onlookers and then smile for the camera phones clicking away while wondering the name of the chick he’s penetrating. Angry, misanthropic, tattooed and goateed people who think that Godsmack is easy-listening music and who could total elite without gear, half asleep, and recovering from the flu, that’s who. Both safety and Stuart McRobert can go fuck themselves.
5) HE’S EVIDENTLY NEVER HEARD OF THE BULGARIAN OLYMPIC WEIGHTLIFTING TEAM.
McRobert posted a “Ten Commandments” online, ostensibly to further fuck with the hearts and minds of bodybuilding aficionados everywhere, in which three of his commandments are “Weight train no more than three times a week”, “Don’t skimp on warmup sets”, and “Do no more than 20 work sets per workout (not per body part, per workout!).” Bereft of explanation, these statements hardly require any, as any attempt at elucidation would only highlight further his myriad shortcomings and illogic. As anyone who lifts knows the Bulgarians are all brutally strong, Olympic Gold medal snatching, muscular motherfuckers from a nation so shit-poor and awful that in spite of the fact that it’s located right next to the über-shithole Turkey, its population is actually decreasing as its population goes anywhere else. The Bulgarians are hardly known for being a physically powerful people, yet in spite of their seeming genetic shortfall, they’ve amassed huge numbers of Olympic medals by virtue of the fact that they train harder than everyone. Bulgarians train 6 days a week, for 6 to 8 hours a day, most of which is 85% of their one rep max or greater. Thus, they’re doing “unsafe” exercises with hideously “unsafe” weights, for exponentially greater amounts of time than the wise Mr. McRobert suggests. Furthermore, according to Leo Costa, they barely warm up at all. Thus, they are living proof that McRobert is a pussy, and he should go fuck himself.
6) HE HAS HORRIFYINGLY LOW STANDARDS.
He thinks that a man of average height (which we’ll assume is 5’10”), at “”just” 190 pounds and 10% bodyfat will drop the jaws of almost everyone,” and that such a physique “would have won you big contests 40+ years ago.” This statement is patently absurd, for a wide variety of reasons. First, bodybuilders of the 1980s and 1990s were, by and large, well over 190 lbs, with the exception of perhaps Flavio Baccianini. He was practically a fucking midget however, so that hardly counts. Second, 10% bodyfat, for anyone under 280 lbs, is hardly impressive. Thus, McRobert sets the bar low and encourages his trainees to aim lower, due to their genetics. Stuart McRobert and genetics can go fuck themselves.
7) HIS DIET ADVICE BLOWS.
McRobert advocates the consumption of less than one gram of protein per pound of bodyweight. Given that most paleolithic dieting authors, who are hardly bodybuilding enthusiasts, advocate protein consumption in excess of this, McRobert is an ass. If humans in the wild readily consume up to 65% (according to Loren Codain) of their daily calories in the form of protein, it stands to reason that modern trainees should do, at the very least, the same. Apparently, McRobert thinks that he knows better, in spite of the fact that he couldn’t match any Paleolithic human in any contest of strength or endurance. I’m sure there’s a bisexual Paleolithic man somewhere on the planet who wouldn’t mind helping ol’ Stu go fuck himself.
8) HE ESPOUSES AMUSINGLY INFREQUENT TRAINING.
McRobert actually typed the following words: “While it seems to be easier, at least for some people, to build strength on infrequent training schedules where a given exercise or bodypart is trained less often than once a week, many people seem to need a bit more frequency-twice every 7-10 days or so per bodypart, though not necessarily the same frequency for each area-in order to produce muscle growth.” That just happened. Who get better at something by doing less of it? The answer: NO-FUCKING-ONE. If you think HIT is the answer, it’s because you’re less of a man than RuPaul and you think that training might give you ugly, big muscles. You shouldn’t be reading this site- you should be on an anorexic-friendly site wherein everyone cheers you on while you starve yourself. No one has ever gotten better or bigger by doing less of anything, unless you’re a circus fat man or you were doing way too much of the wrong fucking thing, and you started doing the right thing. McRobert and infrequent training advocates can go fuck themselves ever 7-10 days. Fucking retards.
9) HE THINKS YOU’RE AS BIG A PUSSY AS HE IS.
McRobert recommends you eschew singles, doubles, and triples, because you might get hurt! God forfuckingbid you get stronger, but you might hurt yourself in the process. Apparently having never even heard of the stock market, or being a sole advocate of low risk/low yield mutual funds, McRobert thinks that lifting like the biggest pussy of all time will make you slightly stronger, very slowly. While he’s very slowly getting stronger, he can very slowly ease his own cock into his ass and go fuck himself. No fucking risk, no goddamned reward. Go big, or get the fuck out of the gym and let the men handle the lifting.
10) HE CLAIMS YOU SHOULD ONLY DEADLIFT WITH A FLAT BACK.
Oh yeah? Ever seen Andy Bolton dead 1000+? I have, and the very last thing that was employed was a flat back. Certainly, in training, it’s something to which one should aspire, but when you’re busting ass, Brooks Kubik and Andy Bolton both agree- GET THE FUCKING WEIGHT OFF THE GROUND, AND FUCK YOUR LOWER BACK. McRobert and his bitch-ass lower back can go fuck themselves.
If you found this article offensive, feel free to go fuck yourself. You probably lack the mental acuity to understand the points I’ve made, the courage to anally rape yourself, or the strength to take yourself by force, but I still wholeheartedly encourage you to fuck yourself good and hard. Just be careful to make it an abbreviated session, as you wouldn’t want to overtrain.
Jamie Lewis is a professional asshole who maintains the wildly popular strength training and nutrition blog “ChAoS and PAIN” at chaosandpain.blogspot.com whenever he’s not at the gym throwing around massive weights or standing in the mall mocking the mentally and physically deficient.