Hi friends and neighbors! It’s time once again for me to shit in your bowl of Corn Flakes!
Now listen, I’m not trying to be mean. I’m not trying to be a booger head or a bully. I just want to see you get ed-u-ma-cated. And sometimes education involves de-programming – as in forgetting all that stupid ass Weider Principle bullshit.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Big ass Bodybuilder X backs Weider. So what. You would to if Weider handed you a big fat fucking check. So sit down and shut up and listen. Here are 6 ways to fail at weight training.
Fail – Practice Muscle Confusion
Want to REALLY fail at weight lifting? Practice – wait for it – muscle confusion! Oooooh, yes! Let’s confuse your muscles by swapping out bench presses for flyes! Or maybe we can confuse your muscles by switching from a 5×5 protocol to a 3×8. That will really fucking confuse your muscles.
Now I’m not downplaying the need for occasional training readjustments. You have to experiment to see what works best for you, and that can change over time. What I am poking fun at here are the fuck sticks who really believe that gains will cease unless they completely revamp every last routine detail every 4.427 weeks.
This just in! Want to really confuse your muscles? Lift heavier weight each week. That will REALLY confuse your muscles! Want to REALLY confuse your muscles? Squat and deadlift.
Fail – Use Isolation Exercises
Listen Chumley. Isolation exercises are the work of the Devil. Do you really think they are shaping your bicep peaks? Hell to the fucking no! Do you really think incline flyes are carving deep striations into your upper pecs?
This is complete and utter bullcrap. End of fracking story.
No isolation exercise will ever – EVER – outshine the excellence and efficiency of a compound HEAVY ASS lift. Come on…25 pound laterals? Really?
Fail – Changing Routines Every 8 Weeks
This is another mountainous pile of horse poo poo.
Sweet Mother of God! I used the same damn training program for nearly 20 years. That’s two decades for you nut sacks keeping score at home. Do you think for one hot damn second that my muscles grew accustomed to heavy ass squats? Deadlifts? Bench?
What exactly are you planning on changing after 8 weeks? Maybe switching to double drop set, 90 second TUT giant sets with rest paused monkey fluooey horse blather? Good luck with that.
Fail – Performing “Intensity” Work With A 500 Pound 3-Lift Total
If you don’t know what a 3 lift total is then I can’t help you. Move along Opie.
I love you, and this is a fucking intervention. Seriously, 8 second negatives aren’t going to do anything but explode your left nut if you can’t bench over 100 pounds.
Heavy Duty? With a 185 pound squat? But I’m pushing for intensity, not weight! ROFL and double ROFL.
If your squat max is 185 and you’ve read multiple Mike Mentzer books, you need to be locked up with some real men and given several bars of soap.
Fail – Don’t Squat
You don’t squat for what reason? Um, sure. I smell BS.
Fail – Don’t Deadlift
You don’t deadlift for what reason? Um, sure. I smell BS.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You probably have a handicap sticker in your window, and fight 80 year old ladies for the prime Handy spot at Wal-mart. Serious, drop the “bad clicking knees” blather and the “spotty back” nonsense. Deadlift and squats will grow ball hair. And the ladies love ball hair.
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