General Articles

100 Reasons Not to Squat or Deadlift

  • 266

This article by Elliot Reimers.

You shouldn’t squat and/or deadlift because…

…You will release too much growth hormone and develop gigantism
…You will shatter the floor beneath your feet while squatting with all that weight on your back
…Your testicles will rapidly grow from all the increased testosterone production
…(If you’re a woman) You will grow a pair of, well, ya know
…You won’t be able to go numero dos the day after
…People will constantly gaze at your massive gluteal region in public
…You will forever be nicknamed “Thunder Thighs”
…You’d rather have bigger “broceps” than freakish wheels
…You are a pansy
…You may crap yourself
…Your nightly dreams will be haunted by a ghostly squat rack
…You’re not a powerlifter
…They’re too dangerous and will ruin your joints
…The gym doesn’t have a pad to put on the bar to protect your puny traps while squatting
…Leg extensions are all you need for huge quads
…The opposite sex’s desire for you will rapidly increase
…You will need a new wardrobe to fit your massive thighs
…You will intimidate the other gym members from a certain “Planet”
…You will develop a neurotic addiction to the iron
…Your food bill will rise
…You will conjure up the antichrist from all the rage you exhibit
…Sir Mix-a-Lot may have a fetish for your butt afterwards
…You might get aroused from all that weight being hoisted
…You’re too bloated from dat der creatine to bend over
…Chuck Norris already lifted today, the gym is now closed for repairs
…You won’t be able to recover from all the extra “poontang” you receive
…You will need a wheelchair to get around the next day
…Back squats will leave a hickey on your traps
…All the bros in the gym will be upset that you stole their curl rack
…You will pop a blood vessel if you need to eke out one last rep
…Puking will likely ensue after putting forth your max effort
…You will no longer be an atheist because you’ve become God in the flesh
…It’s Monday, “international chest day”, bro
…Ronnie Coleman is using every weight in the gym for his leg presses, guess you’re out of luck
…Deadlifting will make the calluses on your hand grow exponentially
…It will likely hurt
…It requires diligent effort
…Leg curls are all you need to work the posterior chain efficiently
…You will drip sweat, chalk and blood all over the gym
…You will make loud noises and disturb the cardio bunnies
…(If you’re a woman) You will get bulky
…The world ends on December 21st, 2012…Oh wait, what’s the date today?
…Deadlifts are useless, pulldowns are you need for a big back
…You won’t fit through doorways anymore with those huge lats and legs of yours
…Isolation exercises are better for muscle growth
…You forgot to take your pre-workout supplement
…You’re an athlete and don’t need to lift
…You don’t want a “bulky” midsection
…You already did leg presses today
…It’s forbidden to bend the bar
…Lou Ferrigno is already the Incredible Hulk, you cannot replace him
…Machines are better than free weights
…You’d rather do kettlebell swings
…Gillian Michaels doesn’t do these lifts
…You’re not wearing any shoes (what are you, a hobo?)
…The world already has enough strongmen (and strongwomen for that matter)
…You’d be better off spending your time posing in the mirror
…You were hoping to see the light of day tomorrow
…You’d rather not walk around with a halo over your head for the rest of your training session
…Slayer plus either of these lifts makes the gym go boom
…You’re looking for “toning” exercises for your cellulite-infested behind
…Yoga is all you need to become one with the universe
…You need more “pre-hab” and mobility work, bro
…Whole-body strength is meaningless in the grand scheme of things
…Your family won’t be able to come to your funeral tomorrow
…You heard these lifts put too much pressure on the spine
…Arnold is already numero uno
…It’s the sabbath day, no lifts shall be performed
…You’re a beginner and don’t have time to learn proper technique
…You’re advanced and don’t need compound lifts anymore
…You’re looking to “etch that last bit of detail” into your muscles with isolation exercises
…There is no one available to carry you out of the gym afterwards
…Cardio is a better leg workout
…You already squatted and deadlifted this week
…You forgot your Superman shirt at home
…You don’t have a lifting belt
…You will be rendered useless for manual labor the next few days
…Rocky already defeated Ivan Drago, you’re in the clear

Steve Shaw

Latest posts by Steve Shaw (see all)

Leave Your Comment

Your Comment*

Your Name*
Your Webpage