Why You haven’t been gaining.
Lets face it. You’ve been in the gym for months now and you still aren’t a big as that guy in the squat rack with the huge barbell on his back. It’s stupid that you haven’t seen those kinds of gains yet. You’ve been following that routine from the muscle mag more or less, been in the gym at least once every couple of weeks, and even went twice a day for a few days that one time. What the hell? You should be jacked by now!
Well here’s the truth my young padawan. You’ve been lied to. See, the routine in the muscle mag is a decoy. They aren’t telling you the 5 movements that will pack on slabs of lean muscle. They’re hiding the diet tips that will blow your arms up 6 inches in just 90 days while getting your abs contest level shredded.
The reason they don’t want you to succeed
So what gives? Why are they doing this to you? All you’ve ever wanted is to get jacked and impress the ladies. And folks, let’s be honest. No one impresses the ladies unless they are shredded year round. No abs, to striated lower back? No lovin for you buddy.
Here’s the thing. These mass monsters know something you don’t. They know the magic routine. But they aren’t talking. Why? Because being the only ones at the top is how they make their money! If you know the secrets to getting jacked in only a few months, you could jump up on stage and take all of their supplement deals away from them. You would be the one with hot babes hanging off your 24 inch arms. You would be the one!
This injustice stops now. I can no longer sit back and watch the next generation spin their wheels week after week. I’m going to help you.
Getting the secret
Now lets be honest. It wasn’t easy teasing this information out of these top pros. And I won’t pretend I can afford to give everything away for free. But I will give you enough to get huge and jacked beyond your wildest dreams. And for a small fee, I will be happy to get you the rest of the program. The thing is, the final tweaks are done on an individual basis, and I would hate to anyone anything less than the best possible results.
I only got this information after getting some of the world’s top body builders, power lifters, and strongmen into a nightclub I own and getting them wasted as hell. And let’s be honest, the ladies were flocking to them. At that point, it was as easy as listening to them and scribbling their words down furiously as they bragged about their secret routines.
Now why power lifters and strongmen? Because some of you will want to be strong as hell and not just jacked. Its true. There are some differences in the routine, but using this 7 step approach, you can have the best of all worlds! Read on for the shocking secret.
The 5 secret movements to add slabs of muscle
We’ll take this body part by body part. First, the arms! The most important piece in looking awesome as all hell.
The Inversion table Zottman Curl Press
This puppy is the reason the guys like Big Ron and Jay Cutler have arms that make your mother swoon. And it’s so easy to perform. As a matter of fact, if you don’t add 4 inches to your arms in 90 days, I’ll personally fly out to your gym and train you.
To perform ITZCP (as we in the biz call it), you must strap yourself into an inversion table. Now, have your training partner hand you an EZ Bar with enough weight on it that you can maybe strict curl for 3 reps. You are doing to do 12! The magic of the table will do the hard work for you, and confuse your muscles into professional level growth.
Curl the bar on the table, and lean back. As you begin to invert, hold on tight! Soon you will be upside down, which will deload your lower back and also work your abs. Now do a triceps extension and you will find yourself upright again. Do this for exactly 12 reps. 11 or 13 is no good for hypertrophy! (See the extensive research on this in the January 2013 edition of Shredded Science, authored by Ranulf Schadenfreude and Frank Zeiglerson)
Now for the Chest. I know you guys love your bench pressing, but you’ve been led to believe what you are doing is the same as the pros. WRONG! Heres the secret to building that shelf and filling in the gap between your pecs.
The Hammer Grip Incline Arched Safety Squat Bar Bench
Sounds crazy I know, but here’s the deal. The safety squat bar is a lie! They only call it that so you won’t know you should be benching with it. The padding on the bar will keep you from needing to go all the way down to your chest, but will also let you bounce the weight off your chest for explosive growth!
To perform this, load up the bar with your max flat bench, but on the incline bench. Get a good arch in your back so your chest is parallel to the floor. This is a must! Now, get 2 bosu balls, 1 under each foot. Without this destabilization, how do you expect to fill in the small areas? You won’t! This is why your physique is lagging.
Now grab the handles and press that puppy! 9 reps for this, as it is more taxing. If you hit 10, you need to add some weight. 8 reps is too low for growth.
I know, I know, the back isn’t a big focus of yours. But trust me boys, the ladies love a big strong back and it will give you a good base to brace against during hot wall sex. Grow those wings and watch things get funky in the bedroom.
The Dumbbell Double Chin
This is the real deal boys and girls. This will add mass to your back like nothing else. With on hand grab a heavy dumbbell, in the other, take a reverse pronated hammer grip on the chin bar. Now with that arm, pull yourself to the top position of the chinup, then row the dumbbell with the other hand. 20 reps per arm! Be a man, and show us what you’ve got.
Legs and Serratus
These two parts are available in my paid program as they require significant individual specialization. Fortunately, the lifts are easy to perform and will have you adding pounds and pounds of lean, dry mass in only a few short weeks.
The ONLY cardio you should be doing to get ripped
Now, while all these movements, you are going to be adding somewhere around 50 pounds of muscle in 90 days or less. In order for that muscle to stay shredded and not get too bulky, you need to do some cardio, but none of that lame running on a treadmill for hour after hour. No sir. We need some SHIIT training.
Don’t laugh. This is what your conditioning has been missing. Super High Intensity Interval Training. You’ve heard of Dogg Crapp, well now its time to take a SHIIT. This is going to blast off any fat hiding your vascularity and strip away everything but a paper-thin layer of skin from your abs. These principles have been developed using the latest in study meta-analysis, including the works of Dr Arad Mangeshwein, renowned worldwide for his advanced techniques, including taking biopsies of muscles DURING exercise to get the most accurate data.
You’ll start by doing tire flips while wearing a weighted vest. Attached a Prowler to your lifting belt via some ?” chains. Flip the tire, surge forward moving the prowler, and jump up on the tire. Do this for 12 reps, no rest between. Take a 3 minute break between sets, and start with only 15 sets as these can be kind of hard on beginners.
Once you have mastered the first lift (usually takes 2-3 sessions to become proficient) you need to add in sledge work. Set up as before, but now holding a 18 pound sledge hammer. As you jump, hit the tire twice with the hammer before landing. Once you get really good, you will be able to keep yourself aloft with the force of the blows to allow 3 strikes. Do this after each training session and you are going to be the envy of every man and the object of sexual desire from every woman.
Follow these simple steps my friends, and you will be jacked as fuark in 90 days or less. Yes, I said or less. My client John Dozer achieved his IFBB pro card after only 67 days. Get after it boys. The longer you wait to start, the fewer ladies will be left to go around as your friends will already have them
This article is meant as a piece of satire. Don’t take any of the above advice unless you want to accidentally become the next Mr. Olympia. If you need real advice on muscle building and weight gain, click here.