Bearded Beast of Duloc
Global Meathead Research Project
Global Meathead Research Project
The Global Meathead Research Project
Which one are you?
The Constant Talker: The guy who will not shut up.
The Bro: The guy who ALWAYS talks about drugs and the perfect cycle.
The Flopper: The guy who can’t commit to any one program.
Gear Whore: The total gear whore (has to always have the new shit and never takes time to learn what he has).
Washed Up Meathead: The washed up beat to hell old dude.
The BS-LOW Squatter: The “everyone squats high but me,” dude.
The Professor: The guy who knows everything and will not take advice from anyone, no matter how bad he may be at something.
The South Dosser: The guy who takes WAY LESS THAN ANYONE and would be able to out total (whoever) if he would take as much.
The Over-Doer: The guy who trains his balls out, dick into the dirt every session, relentlessly.
Half Tanker: The guy who always has 50 pounds left in the tank.
Total Rehab: The guy who is always overcoming an injury and never competes.
Weak Debater: The argumentative guy who is always doing his own thing and inevitably is the weakest member of the gym.
The Close Talker: The guy who’s breath will kill anyone. So bad you can’t even be in a car with him. Always a “close talker.”
Ms. Awesome: The awesome girl who is a world class lifter that everyone wants to hook up with, and has some pussy of a husband/boyfriend who treats her like shit.
The Late Nighter: The drunk story guy – “Oh man I got wasted and banged these two skanks last night.” Every weekend.
The Bipolar Lifter: When they are doing well, powerlifting is the best thing to ever happen to them and they are going to break every all-time record. Then when they have one bad session, powerlifting is for fags. This of course lasts for several months.
The Total Headcase: This guy asks 50,000 questions every time he is in the gym even though he is an above average lifter and knows the answers. He typically asks everyone how every lift of the night looks, even his warm-ups. This guy is also usually ready to “retire” after his next meet because “it’s too much.” Even though he is a lifer and will lift til the day he dies.
The Unnecessarily Long Set-up Guy: You know him, the kneewraps, the strap adjustments (several times), the belt adjustments, the perfect music, the yoga like breathing techniques, etc. This starts at 60% of his max, even on nights where he’ll be working up to 100%.
The “One Time” Guy: This guy is usually in his 50’s or older. He has a story for EVERYTHING. These stories usually start with, “Oh yeah, one time…” Also known as the “Story for Everything Guy,” or the “One upper.”
Creepy Bear: This is the guy who we think is a bear, but don’t really know. He spends most of his time walking around with ILS going from the bench to the weight rack as if he is looking for something. He hardly trains and doesn’t talk to any of the serious lifters, just eerily watches them and looks away real quick when we look at him. He is usually wearing logger boots and ripped jeans. He has been spotted posing in the bathroom. (Not that he should be.)
The WSBB Guy: He has read every article, bought every t-shirt and feels compelled to argue with anyone who recommends any other protocol. He’s even visited the gym. They didn’t like him.
Right There Guy:. He’s afraid to tell his training partners that they’re squatting four inches high, so every squat is “right there.”
The “Badass” Covered in Tattoos: He listens to obscure death metal and scowls a lot. He even went to an expensive private school.
The Smelly Guy: No need to explain. This guy pissed us all off.
What Weight Class Should I go?” Guy: Worries about whether he should go 220 instead of 242 pounds so that his 500 squat is “more competitive.”
The Prohormone Guy: Still claims to be natural.
I Don’t Trust Doctors Guy: Takes shit that he bought out of the trunk of a ‘96 Honda Civic in the parking lot of a Bally’s.
The GPP Guy: Pushes the prowler or drags the sled six times a week to work on his conditioning. He’s 145 pounds.
No Assistance Work Guy: Has his jacket on within five minutes of racking his last squat.
The “5/3/1 Sucks” Guy: Mortal enemy of the “5/3/1/ rules” guy.
The Spotter/Loader: the only reason he is there is to be an extra body to help with logistics.
Drug Free Guy: The opposite of the guy who talks about drugs all the time…makes it a point to tell everyone how he is drug free, as if it matters.
Partial Guy: He never does anything unless it is off blocks/pins, to a high box, or off three or more boards.
Critic: No matter what exercise you are doing that day, they say you should be doing something different (typically whatever it was they did on Tuesday)…and you wear gear too often or don’t wear gear enough…they seem to be very concerned with your programming.
Max Out: The guy who maxes out his squat, bench and deadlift every training session. He doesn’t care that his technique is crap and that he always misses at the same weight. He is always seen shaking his head in disbelief and leaving the gym frustrated.
The First Timer: The guy that does his first meet and then won’t shut up about the 100 pound PRs he will make on all of his lifts for his second meet. Which Nationals he will do (again, second meet), what World Records he’s going to break (at second meet), and which world championship he will lift at (third meet).
Crusty: The master lifter that thinks he’s everyone’s mentor and coach, just because he competed for 43 years.
DJ Max Out: The guy that has to switch the music all the time to put on a “special” song for his sets.
Gear Blamer: The guy that always blames bad technique on his gear being too tight. This is the same guy that blames missing a weight on his gear being too loose. You see, it’s ALWAYS the gear, never the lifter.
The “I Am Unique” Guy: No matter how much experience, knowledge and discoveries you’ve made through time, there’s always a guy, who when struggling, is going through something no one can comprehend with. I’m not talking about outside the gym, I’m talking about during exercises. Nothing you say is at all like what he/she feels. Everything he/she deals with is of a higher degree than what everyone else notices.
The BUT Head: “I’m not arguing with you, but…” “I know you’re right, but…” “I’m not disagreeing, but…” He lifted with you for three years and never put five pounds on his bench because that was his answer to everything.
The Programmer: The guy who loves to program, but doesn’t know how to work to achieve it.
“I Used to Train with Him” Guy: You wouldn’t believe how many people I personally came across that have trained with Kenny Patterson, Chuck Vogelpohl, Lee Haney, and Dorian Yates.
The Flexer: That guy who read that you have to flex and pose to get ready for your next contest, but missed the part about actually having some muscles to flex. He flexes and grimaces after every set and must be near or right in front of you. Sunglasses and cowboy hat optional…I’m not kidding.
The Leg Press Gang: We’ve all seen them. The gang, usually a group of high school athletes who realized that you can pile a lot of weight onto a hip sled. Over time they morph into a swaggering, screaming group of 1000 pound leg press monsters. Screaming, high fives and a two-inch range of motion. There is always an alpha dog advising the others on how to perfect their form and technique so that they can move the big iron like him. “Bro, how was my set?” “It was great man, hardcore, but you should stay at that weight – your form was breaking down on that last set.”
The Trainer: The guy with two months in the gym who shows his “newbie” buddy how to lift with horrible form and way too much weight. A six-inch weight belt required. Note: This guy is not to be confused with The Personal Trainer – the PT has also only been a member for two months BUT he took the weekend certification course at the gym in order to dispense his shitty advice. Plus, he has a polo shirt and a clipboard.
Coach Dad: Coach Dad means well. He wants to support his kid, but has no idea what he is doing. So, he leads his kid through a series of the oddest lifts you’ve ever seen. They don’t squat because Coach Dad has never squatted and has bad knees. See you in the NFL.
The Motivator: The guy you’ve never spoken to who suddenly runs up when you’re grinding out a tough rep, who somehow gets in your face to scream motivational sayings to help you. How this guy hurdled all my shit on the floor, got past my training partners and somehow got between the squat racks and the wall in front of me, I’ll never know. Why he figured he was the guy I’d listen to, I’ll never know. Of course…he’s a spit talker.
The “What’s The Gym Record Guy?”: This is the guy that loads up every plate in the gym to do his “shrugs.” He asks everyone in the area what the gym record is – despite the fact that nobody keeps records of anything let alone, shrugs. He literally hangs extra weights off the end of the bar with tape, belts or bands. He paces back and forth yelling “Look at me, look at me.” It comes out as “Wwhooooooooooooo…” over and over but it means “look at me.” He slaps himself and then chalks up and straps in. He tugs mightily on the bar which , of course, never breaks free of the pins. To his credit, the bar does bend as he puts everything he’s got into it. He releases the bar with a mighty breath, wipes his brow and says humbly to the crowd, “It’s heavy, but somebody’s got to do it. You understand, you’re a veteran.” The day he told my training partner that, “You understand, we bleed the same blood,” I damn near died laughing.
The Ultimate Warrior: This guy is usually about 5 feet tall and weighs 140 pounds. He wears his big brother’s wife beater to the gym. He invariably wears something with the worlds “Tap Out” or “Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves” just to let you know what is up. Rather than go to the cardio room where there are mats and ROOM, he mean mugs the world as he works his way into a corner of the main gym floor so that he can begin his rope jumping. Personally, I make it my job to walk over to grab a weight as soon as the rope jumping starts just to be a dick. Now, he’s worked up a good sweat. It’s time for shadow boxing and knee thrusts. Time to put on the black hoody with some MMA logo on it, look around and then walk out of the gym, taking care to step over his victims.
Nut Hugger Man: 55 years old – lime green biker shorts – no underwear. Always trains near the ladies…and by ladies I mean the young ones. There isn’t much more to say.
The Deload Guy: They guy who Deloads every other week, almost never goes above 80 percent in his training, and if he misses any weight he just shuts down the entire workout.
Last but not least…
The Excuse Maker: Look, we “get it.” Your gear doesn’t fit, the training cycle so-and-so created doesn’t work, the X method sucks, you didn’t get enough sleep, your shit’s fake, the band tension wasn’t the same as last cycle, the bar is too thin, the bar is too fat, the chalk was wet, the bar was wet, the straps are too wide, you couldn’t feel your legs, your arms are too big, the bench is too short, the bench is too high, the uprights were wrong, you had a shitty lift off, your spotters didn’t cue you at the right time, the camera angle was off, the lights were to bright, you didn’t pull enough, box squats suck, your grip was off, rubber plates don’t feel the same, your shoes are new, your lower back is jacked, your bum shoulder is flaring up, your toe socks don’t fit right, your underwear was riding up your crack, the box was too low, your bloat was not on, you got in a fight last night, so-and-so got their high squat passed,”THAT” guy will NOT stop looking at you, the judges don’t like you, politics, drama, someone took your foam roller, your hemorrhoids were on FIRE, your elbow hurt, you didn’t get enough time to warm-up, the bar was misloaded, the chains weren’t set up the same, the bar whipped, the bar rolled down your back, you’re sore from last session, you have adrenal fatigue, didn’t get enough protein yesterday, you have a kink in your neck, you broke a finger, your glycogen is depleted, you’re dehydrated, humidity, someone ripped off your hat, road rage, it wasn’t a World Record so you couldn’t get into it, the platform was uneven, the floor was uneven, your feet hurt, your head is too heavy to keep up, someone put oil on the bar, the rotation changed, kilo plates messed you up, the deadlift bar had too much whip, the knurling was too deep, the suit was smashing your nuts, the belt was too tight, the AC in the hotel was crap, your CPAP broke, allergies are acting up, the fan broke, your foot slipped, your partner was late, it was snowing outside, the judges are friends of so-and-so, it was not your federation, the cat peed on your briefs, the gym was too cold, the gym was too hot, and whatever else you can think of.
If we missed anyone PLEASE let me know…
Destroy That Which Destroys You
"Let bravery be thy choice, but not bravado."