Bearded Beast of Duloc
27 Reasons to Be Big + 6 New Reasons
27 Reasons to Be Big + 6 New Reasons
By Dave Tate
1. I like having to think, “Is this really worth getting up for?” before doing anything.
2. I like having to roll off the bench press instead of sitting up.
3. I like the feeling of having my head filling with pressure, turning bright red and not being able to breathe. And this is just from tying my shoes. I find it best to take a big breath of air, drop as fast as I can and speed tie. I can usually get the job done in four to five reps.
4. I like the feeling of my belly on my upper thighs when I take a dump. Sometimes I even try to sit back further, fill my belly with air and blast away like I would a big squat.
5. I like feeling hot and sweaty when sitting in an air-conditioned room with my shirt off and a fan blowing directly on me. This is how I spend most days at work!
6. I like taking an extra few minutes in my car to catch my breath from walking across the parking lot.
7. I like having to put my belt through my belt loops before I put on my pants. I remember how mad my friend Jim was one time at the airport when he was asked to remove his belt before going through the metal detector. He knew he had two choices. He could either go the rest of the day without his belt, or head to the restroom to take his pants back off and re-loop the belt. In the end, he waited until the next time he had to take a dump, as it would just be too much of a pain to remove his pants for no reason.
8. I like waking up in the middle of the night with my hands numb… gives me a chance to eat more food.
9. I like being asked things like:
Q: “Do you lift weights?”
A: “No, I look this way for no other reason.”
Q: “Are you a wrestler?”
A: “Yeah, like I have the mobility to jump off the top rope!”
10. I like the time I have to spend in business meetings trying to overcome the meathead image that all the fat, out-of-shape business executives have of me.
11. I like the feeling of needing to take a dump all day long.
12. I like the lower back workout I get from walking across the room.
13. Cell phones are also a treat when you’re big. You’re certain to cut all conversations very short because you know your arm will get tired within the first two minutes. This is where the headsets are great, but these Shrek-like fingers make it hard to get the damn plug in the phone.
14. On that same note, I like having to retype just about every third word because my damn fingers keep hitting the wrong keys.
15. I like buying a new recliner every year because they all break down.
16. I like the feeling of jeans either smashing my nuts or falling off my ass.
17. I like coming up with excuses to avoid places like the zoo, amusement parks, fairs or any other place that involves a shitload of walking in hot weather. Yeah, let’s all go to Disney World!
18. I love speed squat workouts where the only thing that’s moving fast is my heart rate.
19. I love leaving work and finding that when I get to my car I forgot something and realize it isn’t worth the 20 yards to walk back and get it. The only exception to this rule is when I forget my car keys and then have to stand there pissed at myself for a half hour before I walk back in and get them. I usually just try using my cell phone to call in and have someone bring them out to me.
20. I love swimming and finding myself in the deep end where I can’t touch.
21. I always like it when I’m the passenger in a compact car. First you have a hell of a time getting into the car as it feels like you’re doing a one-leg squat down to a shoebox. Then, when you reach your destination, you find you’re curbside parked. You go to open the door and you hear the oh-so-familiar scratch of the car door on the curb. This sound runs down your spine like fingernails on a chalkboard. You then look out the door and see that you’re required to do the deepest one-leg squat in history to get out. The only way you’ll be able to do this is to arch your back and press your feet into the floor as hard as you can to begin to lift yourself up in the seat as you would on a hack squat machine. If done correctly, you can gain up to six inches before you take the side lunge from hell to get out. Once you’re in the proper position you should be able to take the leap of faith to get out. If this wasn’t bad enough, you always know that it’s not over after the first step. You know there’s a very good chance you’ll end up losing your balance as you get out and end up taking a few awkward backward steps once you clear the door. The worst thing of all is knowing once you get out you’ll have to find a way to get back in.
22. I love feeling like I’m getting more jacked and ripped at the same time, yet every picture I see of myself shows a fat, bloated pig. I guess it’s true that a picture can add two rolls and twenty pounds of fat. Okay, more like thirty.
23. I like knowing that when I go to take a dump I have a very good chance of getting a lat cramp when I go to wipe. This will always lead to the “quick” wipe and ultimately a dirty ass. Jim has always suggested the use of baby wipes to finish the job, but let’s face it, do you really want to risk the lat cramp again? I’d much rather hit the shower to finish the job. Hint: You’ll need to get one of those detachable showerheads so you can get the direct line of fire. If all else fails, you can ask your sweetheart to help finish the job. To do this you need to lie on your back and lift your legs up and back as far as you can. This will give her a perfect view to get the job done. Okay, I know I crossed the line with that one, but I do know of at least three lifters who take care of hygiene this way. They call this “assuming the position”.
24. I love it when I have to have someone else button my top shirt button and put my tie on because I can’t reach it.
25. I also like going out to eat and finding that I’m in a restaurant that has two choices: 1) the booth you have to squeeze your ass into, knowing that your belly will be smashed the entire meal and 2) those tall tables with the extra high barstools. Not able to lean back and set your feet on the floor is counterproductive to one of the most important activities of getting big—eating. I suggest leaving and finding somewhere else to eat.
26. I like all the crazy sexual positions I can conform to.
27. Going to the airport provides several great reasons why you should all strive to get big. First up, you have to get all your crap out of the car and to the check-in. In my case I’m usually looking at a duffle bag of clothes for the weekend trip. You also need a bigger bag because all your crap is size XXX, plus you need a few extra shirts, as you’re bound to sweat through most of them and will need to change often.
I also have my briefcase with laptop, planner and all the other crap I need while away. In the case of a seminar, I also have a roller case with my LCD projector. Lastly, if I need to train while away, I’ll need my training bag with all the necessary gear. (I don’t even want to get into the bags needed for a powerlifting meet.) So I’m faced with the challenge of having to get four bags to the check-in terminal. Yes, you can get a roller cart, but this will require walking to the terminal to get the thing, then walking back, loading up and walking to the terminal again. This is way too many trips for a big guy to take.
If you’re lucky, you’ll make it to the terminal with only four or five drops. If you’re following me here you know what happens when one bag falls off your shoulder. You try to recover and the next thing you know, all your bags are on the floor. It takes several attempts to get all the bags back up and on your way. Let me tell you this before I go on: don’t try and kick a few bags as you go. This may seem like good idea but a travel bag doesn’t kick as smoothly as you think it would, and it’ll consume much more energy kicking the bags than it would if you simply hiked them back onto your shoulders.
Okay, so you make it to the check-in terminal. You take your place in line and set your crap down. This is when the “bag kick” comes in handy. You don’t want to have to pick up your bags every five minutes when the line moves up. At this point you’ll be starving from all the work you had to do to get here and you can see the fast food places around the corner. As each person moves up you get more and more hungry to the point that your hunger turns into “stupid people aggression”. Most of you will know what I mean with this. You’re in line and what should take a max of five to ten seconds to do, takes some of these morons ten minutes. All you can think of doing is kicking the asshole in front of you in the back as he fumbles for his ID that he should’ve had out ten minutes ago. Hell, I’ve been holding mine in my mouth for the last half hour to the point that the ends are now all chewed up.
You finally make it to the metal detector. We already discussed the belt issue, but it’s important to point out that you should never wear laced shoes as you’ll have to take them off, and we all know how hard they are to get back on. Since you’re big and jacked you don’t have to worry about taking anything out of your pockets because if you had something in there, there’s no way you’d ever get it out . This is also why big guys will always tip all the change they receive into the tip jar, because let’s face it, where are you going to put it? In your front pocket? Yeah right! And how will you get it out? The only way you’d ever see the change again is when you take your pants off later that day. At this point it’ll fall on the floor and you’ll have to call in your kids to have them pick it up for you.
So you kick your shoes off and think you’ll fly past the metal detector archway. This is true as long as you don’t bump the sides. Since you’re huge, your shoulders are bound to hit, plus you have a shaved head and goatee and are automatically targeted as a threat. So you find yourself being directed to the two big footprints on the floor and told to stand here. Then they ask you to raise your arms and will always ask you if you work out. This is no time for small talk as your shoulders are messed up from your last squat session and it’s killing you to even hold your arms up.
Finally, once you finally make it through security, you get a chance to drop a few hundred bucks on a handful of eats that should hold you over for the trip. Now is your time to take a seat in front of your gate and recover from the demanding trip so far. This is a great time to checkout all the normal folks to remind yourself how great it is to be huge. You realize very quickly that you’re ten times bigger than you thought you were as it seems everyone in this country is fat and out of shape. On any given day you’ll be lucky to see one or two people who look like they’ve set foot in a weight room. The goal here is to not get too close to anyone, as you don’t want to catch the Geek Virus.
Soon you’ll be boarding the plane. It’s best to wait until last to get on. Why rush to just go sit again and have to get up if someone else comes? If you’ve planned your trip well, you know you should have a seat so it doesn’t matter when you get on. So relax and enjoy watching everyone else rush to the plane. Now, you know the seat will be a tight fit and you’ll have your balls crushed for the next hour or so. Locate your seat but keep on the lookout for any seats that may be open with an empty seat next to them. Since you should be the last one on the plane, dive into whatever looks like the best place to be. This is your right because you are huge.
28. Not being able to take your shirt off by yourself.
29. I wrote about how uncomfortable jeans are but what I didn’t say is there comes a point when it’s just not worth it and your closet becomes full of sweat pants. Your collection grows and you begin to realize you have training sweats, daily sweats and …yes…dress up sweats (these are usually the ones you had to pay more than $50.00 for). Sweats will get you through 95% of all of life’s events, unless you have a dress code at work then unfortunately you should get tailor made pants (with extra room or elastic sides to allow for extra growth).
Yes, you can usually find some designer jeans in one of the high-end stores but it’s a FREAKIN’ nightmare to try on 100000000 pair of jeans only to find maybe one that fits. Some of these stores will even have someone toss pants over the dressing room door for you to avoid searching the store but come on! You still end up having to bend over to pull them up and we know what this does. It brings intense pressure to our heads, turns us purple and sweat begins to poor like Niagara Falls. No matter how good looking the sales rep is, this is still pure hell!
30. I like it when my cheeks and face begin to suck in and overpower my eyes. With a really good bloat you shouldn’t look like you even have eyes from an arms length away. Having the head the size of a bull can put undo stress on the upper back, but you get used to this in time and it HAS to develop bigger and stronger traps. One safety suggestion: Make sure all the mirrors work and are set on your vehicle because turning you head to see traffic will be a thing of the past. You won’t be able to look to your side without first moving your entire body.
31. Hats! Whatever! With a bull head there is nothing you can stick on that will look good so just forget about it. That is unless it’s an elitefts™ beanie. They are usually free with orders and you can always give it away if it doesn’t fit. So far they have fit most (but not all) bloated Chewbacca heads.
32. While I wrote about theme parks and Zoo’s, I didn’t comment about the rides. There is nothing better than waiting one hour in the heat to get on some stupid ride your family HAS to do only to finally get in and NOT fit. The belt isn’t long enough or the racecar harness safety thing won’t pull down over your fat head let alone your shoulders and torso. So, after your one-hour wait you are escorted out the exit because of some polite reason they come up with. There is no need to get upset about this. Most of these rides will take a few minutes so it gives you time to hit the ice cream stand and kick back a couple cones before everyone else gets out.
I never understood why they have height requirements for all these rides that the little ones have to step up to in order to make certain they are tall enough. I suggest they have a head rind much like a basketball hoop that we can go try to stick our head in. If it fits you can ride. If not then you still have more gettin’ huge to do.
33. This isn’t really funny but is a very nice perk. If you have the head the size of a stability ball the odds are you are pushing the bodyweight up very nicely. This is like an auto pass to riding shot gun in any taxi, car, shuttle or any other vehicle where there are multiple people sharing a ride. Now, where this can back fire is if you are with a herd of meatheads, such as yourself, and there is some dude pushing close to 400 pounds. This means he will get shot gun and then three 300 pounds dudes need to cram into the back seat. Keep in mind you can’t turn your head without turning your body so there you all sit looking forward talking to the back end of the rear seat.
34. Brushing your teeth is another activity I just love. Like using the cell phone, you are going to deal with the arm and shoulder burn but added to this is the massive lower back pump from slightly bending over the sink. I don’t care how many reverse hypers, back raises or good morning you do, NOTHING will prepare you for this. Now you would think the easy solution here is getting some of that gum they say is the same as brushing your teeth. Well, I’m not sure of that fact but I know after two minutes your temporalis and masseter will become so pumped your head will feel like a time bomb.
35. Getting off the couch is a real treat. Unlike normal body structures there is NO WAY you will be sitting up. Take a look the next time you visit the house of someone who is hoodge. You will notice the coffee table is either not there or is at least 5 feet away from the sofa. The reason for this is the only way to get up is to first, roll off onto the floor then roll over to your stomach, second, walk your hands back to your knees, and third, step up with one foot followed by the other. By the way, this is an awesome sight to behold. If you are lucky you can see this in the gym as well when they bench press but they are usually better practiced and know how to use the knee tuck leg roll to create momentum to get up, or they just have one of their spotters give them a hand.
36. Tis the season! Right? Wrong! Tis the season to stay the hell out of the mall but you know for a FACT your significant other will make you go shopping at some point. You know what, this sucks so bad I’m not even going to continue. I have other work to get done today and don’t need this stuck in my head. There are better options such as shopping at elitefts™ Here are some gifts to get you started:
Destroy That Which Destroys You
"Let bravery be thy choice, but not bravado."