An Open Ltter To All My Brother's & Sister's

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Originally Posted by Disciple X

Sounds like thanksgiving to me... you just forgot the turkey

Yes, indeed. How could I call myself a lifter for forgetting the Turkey!!

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So, after much thought, I have decided to log my whole journey here. I discussed it with the shrink, and she thought it was a great idea. It was very moving for me to read about how this has opened some eyes and got some people to think about there own issues. Besides my immediate family, I cannot think of anyone better to share this with than my lifting brothers and sisters here. Everything happens for a reason, and when I stumbled upon this forum in February 2010, I was really reaching out for something. Now I have found it.

During session 2, The psychologist discussed with me the subject of love. Dad was as cold as the meat he cut (he was a butcher) and all of my family knew he was incapable of not only loving anyone, but letting love in. Unfortunately, the latter has been passed on to me. Fortunately, I am receiving counseling, and she is 100% confident I will be feeling the love in time. She said this because I have already let all the brotherly love in from all of you here. In addition, My Uncle's act of love was very much felt and absorbed. However, she has to work with me on letting the love in from my daughter. I know I love her, and that she loves me, however, I do not feel it. My defense shields have been up for almost 30 years.

The shields are up for many reasons. I have felt like an unwanted child almost all of my life. It all started while I was in the womb with the "who knocked you up" jokes directed at my mother. After my daughter was born in 1998, he even refused to hold her. My family sat there in disbelief. To me, it was no surprise. He was given many opportunities to express even a shred of love, but failed miserably. I even wish I never took that DNA test, it would have been easier to brush him off as not my father. Even after he found out the results of that test, he phoned my brother and said 'So, Jimmy is mine". My brother said to him, "well, I guess you owe him an apology". My so called dad then said "for what?" He did phone me later that week, and I of course had some shred of hope that he would finally come to life, but instead he sat there still blaming Mom. He then proceeded to take me out of his will after I directed a few choice words at him. In retrospect, I am glad he did that. I never did want anything like that from him anyway.

I really don't even know why I call him Dad. I do know that he has had to answer to a higher power.