Sex talk

[Livingitup48]

Originally Posted by Chillen

Do you have an example?

Yes. After 12 years of marriage and a few kids I was unhealthy, selfish, full of depression and self-doubt and getting fat. For some reason I began attending a local church and was struck by how pathetic and self-serving I was. For 10 years I worked hard to change every aspect of my life from top to bottom. I also tried to communicate with my husband. out marriage was a train wreck and we never talked. We were roommates at best.

After seeing a counselor for 3 sessions he told me it was all bullshit and that he was too old to care about changing. He said he was happy with himself and his life and if I wanted him to be happy I should accept this fact. He stopped talking to me at all after this point.

[Shadowschmadow]

Originally Posted by Livingitup48

Yes. After 12 years of marriage and a few kids I was unhealthy, selfish, full of depression and self-doubt and getting fat. For some reason I began attending a local church and was struck by how pathetic and self-serving I was. For 10 years I worked hard to change every aspect of my life from top to bottom. I also tried to communicate with my husband. out marriage was a train wreck and we never talked. We were roommates at best.

After seeing a counselor for 3 sessions he told me it was all bullshit and that he was too old to care about changing. He said he was happy with himself and his life and if I wanted him to be happy I should accept this fact. He stopped talking to me at all after this point.

Not to pry, but you give the impression that you're open to talking about your specific situation. If not, let me know and I'll drop it...

How long ago did you guys separate?

[Livingitup48]

Originally Posted by Shadow

Not to pry, but you give the impression that you're open to talking about your specific situation. If not, let me know and I'll drop it...

How long ago did you guys separate?

Couple years we've been divorced.

[Shadowschmadow]

Originally Posted by Livingitup48

Couple years we've been divorced.

So what provoked you to create this thread after all these years?

[Livingitup48]

Originally Posted by Shadow

So what provoked you to create this thread after all these years?

It's a popular topic among woman in my cubicle city.

[Shadowschmadow]

If you want my honest opinion; I think you're better off now than you were in a failing marriage. It sounds to me as though even if you really were making an attempt to patch things, he was too far gone. And even then, who's to say you would have been happy another 5 years down the road. Sometimes the love isn't there as it used to be, and IMO, in that situation its better to cut your losses than it is to stay involved in something that you don't really want. That's when cheating, lying, constant fighting, etc. all roll in and feelings get hurt far more than necessary.

In my opinion, you shouldn't be chatting with these ladies in your "cubicle city". Instead of pondering on the what ifs and could have beens, you should be out there enjoying your life. Sounds to me like your marriage was a sinking ship (not to be harsh), so why wallow in self-pity when you can be starting over?

Just like diet and exercise, people sit around and make excuses on why they failed, and why they're not doing anything to better their current position (your cubicle city). And just like diet and exercise, stfu and go do something about it. Stop wasting time; start dating, going out with guy's or whatever makes you happy... Grab life by the balls and make it your bitch!

[_J_]

Originally Posted by Livingitup48

Yes. After 12 years of marriage and a few kids I was unhealthy, selfish, full of depression and self-doubt and getting fat. For some reason I began attending a local church and was struck by how pathetic and self-serving I was. For 10 years I worked hard to change every aspect of my life from top to bottom. I also tried to communicate with my husband. out marriage was a train wreck and we never talked. We were roommates at best.

After seeing a counselor for 3 sessions he told me it was all bullshit and that he was too old to care about changing. He said he was happy with himself and his life and if I wanted him to be happy I should accept this fact. He stopped talking to me at all after this point.

Sounds like he wasn't going to move no matter what happened. Considering what he had to say during counseling, he was taking the path of least resistance. You did the right thing imo--look to yourself first and see if you are doing everything you can. If he didn't respond to that, the end might have been inevitable. I think he'll find that women out there aren't looking for a man to take care of--they want an equal (but different) partner, a leader that listens and cares about what they think, someone that puts their wife and marriage above their own personal interests.

My marriage wasn't going anywhere good, and in all honest, it was mostly my fault. Like BTB said, I was a selfish kid, not a grown man that a wife could admire. Through some counseling and a very supportive church, I came to some realizations that changed my marriage for the better.

If he was uninterested in sex with you, he was getting his pleasure through other things--porn, movies, or maybe food or work. That was the case with me. As soon as I put away all my other pleasure sources, I began to physically want my wife more than I had in years. When I started acting like a family man, an admirable man, my wife responded by being supportive and caring. Through the grace of God, the last 2 years of my marriage have been the best of our lives. But, it took a willingness to listen, accept some counseling, and hold myself accountable for my own problems before I blamed my wife.

[Chillen]

Originally Posted by Livingitup48

Yes. After 12 years of marriage and a few kids I was unhealthy, selfish, full of depression and self-doubt and getting fat.

This is pretty general ^^

When you self-analyze your self (without over analyzing), what do you think brought on the self doubt and depression?

Can you pinpoint approximately "when" your depression and self-doubt set in? Was it a roller-coaster ride, until it set up permanant resident? What was present in life during these times?

After you had your children, how did you feel after this? What type of woman would you categorize yourself, when you were pregnant? For example, my wife was a "crier", cried all the time, and about anything. She also had some image problems and self doubt.

What type of person would you categorize yourself prior to having chidren?

What type of woman would you categorize yourself, around your period? I mean this. Some woman have such a hormonal in-balance that it creates havoc on their emotions, and sometimes this can last quite some time. Have you considered this as part of the problem?

How was your weight fluctuations between pregnencies, and during pregnencies?

Before you started having children, how was the relationship with your husband? In addition, how was his personality, attitude etc. How was his personality and attitude while your were pregnant, pregnant with children present. Furthermore, how was his attitude toward you being overweight, and exhibiting behaviors of self doubt, etc---"while living daily life", not the synopsis you gave during the counsel session.

Can you pinpoint, in your mind, exactly when he appeared to change? What was his responses, when living life, to your selfishness, etc? Did you have talks, arguements, etc?Your husband wasn't a complete angel during all this was he?......OH, That's what I thought.

These type of questions, are just to have you put things in perspective.

With some woman, hormonal changes can wreak havoc with some woman after having children.

Was some of the weight gain after you had your children? How long between pregnencies (sp)? Did the weight gain build from one pregnancy to the next?

You have to remember, the body points every nutritional aspect to the child, and fat is an essential asset in this composition. With some woman, they simply gain what they need, with others, the body seems to over compensate (keeping things equal, and not adding in the variable of simply over eating as well during pregnancy), and what is left isnt needed anymore once the child is born.

To put this simple, this is just a fact of genetics and just life. The body that remains post-child, is a body-composition that was needed at the time. In addition, with some woman, some body-composition changes occur that seem permanent (such as wider hips, etc).

Sometimes, men can be complete numbskulls. They don't twist their love and mind into the person they are supposed to love. "Most" women understand these conditions (especially one's whom have had children), but "some" men (in all their intelligence) can't seem to wrap their head around it.

For some reason I began attending a local church and was struck by how pathetic and self-serving I was.

Define this self-serving, as it relates to your interaction with your husband, and what was your former husbands responses to these?

For 10 years I worked hard to change every aspect of my life from top to bottom. I also tried to communicate with my husband. out marriage was a train wreck and we never talked. We were roommates at best.

What were these changes? Were these changes primarily because you wanted them or were some of them what he wanted?

After seeing a counselor for 3 sessions he told me it was all bullshit and that he was too old to care about changing. He said he was happy with himself and his life and if I wanted him to be happy I should accept this fact. He stopped talking to me at all after this point.

I am reading something different here. His paraphrased response, seemed to be geared toward HIM changing, when ALL of your responses seem to point to your problems that you seem to see in yourself, and what you see needed changing (such as self-serving, depression, etc).

What did you see in him that needed changing, you did not address this portion.

When you say he said "to old to CARE about changing", what does this mean? His responses to you? Support? What?

When I see something or read something, I always ask, does it pass the common sense test? For example: Can we always learn something? (YES), Are we always right? (NO), Do we always act appropriately, (NO).

So, the common sense test: Are we too old to change? (NO). Whether voluntary or involuntary, we are asked to change as we live this life (where does age come in here?), and in a relationship its no different----BUT ITS A TWO WAY STREET.


What does this statement mean:

"He said he was happy with himself and his life and if I wanted him to be happy I should accept this fact."

From "face value" its seems he sees no problem with you and his life. He may be seeing it from a one-dimensional viewpoint and a disconnection with your viewpoint. Most that have true love see it in two-dimensions and have a connection, even if the disagree with some of the contents. But, I am not going to beat up on this guy, cause there are too many things missing and not enough information provided to come to this conclusion--especially with 12 years of marriage. What I do know is, that when one person truely loves another, they will accept they did wrong, work with it, and be willing to take certain courses of action to see a change occur.

On a funny note: I was the Willy-Wonka WRONG-FACTORY when my wife was pregnant. LOL, man, I made lots of changes, LOL.

Whether or not he is in your life or not, you need to address the issues you posed (the personal ones), and remember...........

No one is better than you, no matter the money, nor matter the position they possess. You are of value, and live your live this way. Along they way, you will meet someone whom values you, as much as you do yourself.

[Shadowschmadow]

The issue here is the "there are always three sides to a story".

1.) Her side.
2.) His side.
3.) The truth.

[BendtheBar]

Originally Posted by _J_

Like BTB said, I was a selfish kid, not a grown man that a wife could admire. Through some counseling and a very supportive church, I came to some realizations that changed my marriage for the better.

It's amazing how powerful selflessness is. It really did save my marriage. My wife was a bit slower to open up, but now we work together and things are better than ever.