[BendtheBar]

I was emotionally abused by my father as a child. It has taken me my entire adult life to find a way to function normally. Only during the last 6-7 years do I feel like a healthy, mature human being capable of knowing what right and wise actions are.

For most of these years I had no clue how deep my resulting dysfunctions were. It's hard to heal problems when they don't feel like problems. Some of my problems/issues were part of my defense mechanisms. I thought they were good things.

I still am not whole. In some ways I live to please others, and in some ways my anger towards bullies now has turned me into a man that suffers fools with little patience. I know what I need to do to be the person I want to be, but it will still take time, should I be granted it.

There was a point in time where I came out of my shell and realized I didn't have to be the road, I could be the tire. Taking on the role of the tire was empowering, but it also turned me - in some ways - into the verbal bullies I despised.

The challenge for me now is to master patience, to not assume intentions, to be more of a servant, and to love those who hate me because that is the only option I see as viable. Hatred is a cancer, in any form.

Without turning this overly philosophical, I simply want joy and happiness. When I allow hatred to enter my person, I am allowing the actions of another person to impact my life in a negative manner. I allow them to control me.

I do not want the actions of anyone to control me. This is not freedom.