When you're Dorian Yates, logic doesn't need to be logical.
Dorian Yates is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Dorian Yates, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The chief export of Dorian Yates is pain.
Dorian Yates is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Dorian Yates out. It failed misserably.
Crop circles are Dorian Yates' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*ck down.
Dorian Yates once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."
Dorian Yates once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.
Dorian Yates is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Dorian Yates is a man of few words. Dorian Yates is not a man of few roundhouse kicks to the face.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Dorian Yates's nutsack.
When observing a Dorian Yates roundhouse kick in slow motion, one finds that Dorian Yates actually rapes his victim in the ass, smokes a cigarette with Dennis Leary, and then roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Dorian Yates put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face. Later Dorian dined on scrambled eggs with all the king's horses and all the king's men. The king himself could not attend for unspecified reasons. Coincidentally, the autopsoy revealed the cause of death to be a roundhouse kick to the face. There is only one King.
When Dorian Yates played golf for money, Dorian marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to Chuck: "excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole". Dorian Yates turned towards the man and said, im Dorian Yates, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Dorian Yates, Dorian Yates roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.
Dorian Yates made Ellen Degeneres straight.
Dorian Yates kicked Neo out of Zion , now Neo is "The Two"
Dorian Yates' iPod came with a real charger instead of just a USB cord
Dorian Yates knows where Carmen Sandiego is.
Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Dorian Yates roundhouse kicked him across the face several times
China was once bordering the United States, until Dorian Yates roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.
Dorian Yates is what Willis was talking about
If you have five dollars and Dorian Yates has five dollars, Dorian Yates has more money than you.
Dorian Yates sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus’ birthday. Jesus was to scared to correct Dorian Yates and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
When Dorian Yates had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.
Dorian Yates once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
Dorian Yates once kicked a baby elephant into puberty
Multiple people have died from Dorian Yates giving them the finger.
Dorian Yates once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.
Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Dorian Yates got an award for masturbating in public.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Dorian Yates. Dorian showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.
If Dorian Yates is late, time better slow the f*ck down
Dorian Yates sleeps with a night light. Not because Dorian Yates is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Dorian Yates
Dorian Yates can touch MC Hammer.
Dorian Yates ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Dorian Yates always has sex on the first date. Always.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Dorian Yates and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Dorian Yates frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
There is no such thing as tornados. Dorian Yates just hates trailer parks.
Dorian Yates never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.
Dorian Yates does not procreate, he breeds
When asked what type of vehicle he drives, Dorian Yates responded slyly with "Don't you mean what kind of vehicle drives me?"
Dorian Yates' evil twin brother, Richard Simmons, once approached Dorian with the hope of reconciliation, but at the sight of Richard's curly, well kept hair, Dorian Yates became so enraged that he turned green with hate and ripped Richard Simmons arms and legs off. This action was the origin of the Marvel Comic badass, The Incredible Hulk.
Dorian Yates doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Dorian tells it to.
Dorian Yates only masturbates to pictures of Dorian Yates.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Dorian Yates brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Dorian Yates roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Dorian giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Dorian Yates was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Dorian omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Dorian Yates used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Dorian Yates,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Dorian Yates.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Dorian Yates plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Dorian Yates.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Dorian Yates, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Dorian Yates.
God offered Dorian Yates the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Dorian Yates was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Dorian Yates drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck’s quack does not echo. Dorian Yates is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Dorian Yates once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Yates lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Dorian Yates’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Dorian Yates doesn’t believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Dorian Yates’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Dorian Yates has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Dorian Yates doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Dorian Yates.
Dorian Yates eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Ironically, Dorian Yates’ hidden talent is invisibility.
Dorian Yates owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.
Dorian Yates invented water.
Dorian Yates invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Dorian Yates is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Dorian Yates went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Dorian Yates yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Dorian Yates accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Dorian Yates is Luke Skywalker’s real father.
Contrary to popular belief, Dorian Yates, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Dorian Yates does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Dorian Yates roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Dorian Yates can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Dorian Yates isn’t lactose intolerant. He just doesn’t put up with lactose’s sh*t.
Dorian Yates doesn’t eat. Rather he kicks ass until he’s full.
Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Dorian Yates.
Dorian Yates once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what “his way” detailed, he replied: “with barbed wire and nails, of course”. He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.
Dorian Yates never “gets laid”, rather: “laid gets Chuck”.
Playgirl magazine once asked Dorian Yates to appear naked in an issue, Dorian laughed at the opporunity saying “there isn’t enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member”. He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.
Helen Keller’s favorite color is Dorian Yates
Dorian Yates once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.
When Dorian Yates’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Dorian said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Dorian Yates.”
Dorian Yates doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Dorian Yates jumps out.
On June 7th 1994, Dorian Yates entered the same restaurant supermodel Cindy Crawford was eating at. Instinctively, Cindy swept everything off the table, threw herself on it in a fit of lust, and begged Dorian to ravish her. After Dorian finished his beer, he obliged her. When Chuck's magnificent lead sperm cannoned into Cindy's womb it went straight to one of her ovaries and roared, "Which one of you servile wenches thinks you can handle getting split
open by the Chuck!?" All of the eggs cowered in the corner. The same thing happened at the other ovary. "I didn't f*cking think so!" shouted the lead sperm which then lead the rest of the troops back into Chuck's balls. Dorian pulled out; roundhouse kicked Cindy in the face and told her, "Don't ever waste my time again."
Dorian Yates can piss into gale force winds.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Dorian Yates.
Dorian Yates won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh*t out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
Dorian Yates once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Dorian Yates re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was
a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Dorian Yates got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Dorian Yates for every answer.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Dorian Yates to die before they attack.
Dorian Yates once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Dorian Yates. It was more "humane".
Dorian Yates doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Dorian Yates once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Dorian Yates.
Dorian Yates found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Yates having sex with Conan's wife.
Dorian Yates doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the sh*t out of viruses. That's why Dorian Yates never gets ill.
Dorian Yates's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodDorian could Dorian if a wood Dorian could Dorian wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF DORIAN YATES!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.