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Hazzard 01-02-2012 10:29 AM

"2012's Hottest New Exercise Trends" thread of failed new year resolutions.
The epitome of quality journalism that is MSN (yes, I still have a Hotmail account, sue me) has put up a list of the best ways to get back in shape this upcoming year. And in typical Hazzman style I thought it would be fun to mock and lambast them for it, as well as throw in our own experiences with random fitness and training equipment.

Anyway, here's my (somewhat cynical) paraphrasing of their list:

10. Fitbit Ultra - an electronic device that you place in your home and uses some sort of 3D tracking technology to record your habits and physical movements of the day. Which you can then upload to your computer. Fantastic. It would probably develop some sort of digital aneurysm if it totalled how often people masturbated in our uni house.
9. Beaming - this is a class where you stand on a a squishy beam that's 2 inches high and placed on the floor. Apparently is works on four principles: "Balance your body, Engage your core, Align your spine and Move through life". Jesus Christ.
8. Funk The Buddha (yes, really...) - seems to be yoga, but with live DJs. It costs 20 a session. For yoga. But with a DJ. What.
7. Spinning - Okay, yeah, spinning is great and has been around for a while. It basically seems to say that new classes are offering a choice in music and level of difficulty. Nothing wrong with that I guess.
6. Nostalgia Workouts - I have to say, despite my cynicism (a wonderfully British trait), this actually sounds pretty cool. Inevitably it will cost too much for what it ultimately is (it's in London after all...), but it seems to essentially focus on the gym stuff we did back in school - climbing ropes and beams, squats, lunges. No exercise machines. It's kind of wrapped up in a fad packaging, but the idea behind it is great.
5. Padel Tennis - Like tennis, but with... paddles... (no, that's not a typo in the name) rather than racquets. I guess any sport that gets people moving is good so I can't really complain about this.
4. Freestyle Fitness - There are some good components of this - blasts straps and kettlebells mainly, but there's also a bunch of useless crap like the ViPR and bosu balls. People can use stuff like the ViPR (a hollowed out rubber tube with handles), whatever, but it's when it's claimed to be a "fitness revolution" that it irritates me. It's essentially a barbell. But rubber. I'm going to make one out of glass and call it "move really ****ing slowly so you don't end up with shards of glass in your face"-training. Freestyle fitness seems to be all the random stuff you see in fitness centres that gym instructors are told to push to clients.
3. Puma Faas - Apparently this is another new breed of exercise class based on Usain Bolt's fitness regime, with plyo, speed work and suchlike. Oh, and you get to experience it with a "pumping Jamaican soundtrack". Because he's black.
2. Back to Hockey - Trying to get women (sexist) to play field hockey like they did back in the day at school. There are actually some good ideas on this list that make me feel like I should've looked through it before writing this thread! Again, getting people to play sports. Sounds good.
1. Health Concierge Companies - the version of a personal trainer for rich people. Apparently these companies will sort out your fitness and nutrition as well as give you a "complete health overhaul". Great. If you're the laziest human being in existence and want to pay overpaid Gillian McKeith-alikes to design every iota of your existence. Fantastic.

Here's the source for people who desire to read it.

Note: this is a (slightly) tongue-in-cheek response to the article and I'll admit that anything that gets people up and moving is positive, but if people simply took their time to research then they'd realise that they'd get much better results without the latest training or diet fad.

BendtheBar 01-02-2012 10:39 AM

I want a Funk the Buddha now!


5kgLifter 01-02-2012 11:24 AM

Fitness trends never cease to amuse. :)

BendtheBar 01-02-2012 11:42 AM

Funk the Buddha and Zumba are fun words to say. My mouth is exercising :)

Hazzard 01-04-2012 02:13 PM


Originally Posted by 5kgLifter (Post 203210)
Fitness trends never cease to amuse. :)

Indeed, more awareness needs of be made of the benefits of simply training using a barbell or whatever.

LtL 01-04-2012 02:17 PM

Nice write up. I lol'd subversively.


5kgLifter 01-04-2012 02:17 PM


Originally Posted by Hazzard (Post 204182)
Indeed, more awareness needs of be made of the benefits of simply training using a barbell or whatever.

The first thing I do every January is go and have a look at the latest fitness DVDs to hit the shelf, it's good for a laugh; and the content pretty much never alters, it's always some Bootcamp style set-up, a yoga set-up, and a dance DVD, along with the 5 or /10-minute only stuff which never takes less than 40 minutes if you add all the body parts up.

T-Bone 01-04-2012 02:30 PM

I'm surprised a Fitness Surrogate wasn't on there. (the concept just occurred to me.)

People pay ME to exercise FOR them. I get rich and they get to tell their friends how strong I'm getting. Why the heck not...they throw their money away at gyms anyway and never go.

_J_ 01-04-2012 02:56 PM

These are my immediate thoughts on the names of some of these trends (I've omitted the legitimate sounding ones, ala "spinning"). Just shooting from the hip based on the name only:

Fitbit Ultra - an electronic device that you put in your mouth that decides what you can and cannot eat.

Beaming - very expensive treatment where Star Trek-like transporters just teleport the fat off of you.

Funk The Buddha-some sort of nude pilates/yoga. I can't be the only one that got that impression.

Nostalgia Workouts - Group therapy where everyone talks about the times they used to work out and how huge/awesome they were.

Padel Tennis - basically ping pong against an Indian (dot not feather)

Freestyle Fitness - a cool sounding name for parkour.

Health Concierge Companies - you pay someone to strap themselves to your body and workout for you. You get some of the benefit while putting forth very little effort.

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