With all due respect to current or former residents and officials (elected or self-appointed) of Rhodestown, there is a new boomtown growing like a “genetically gifted” bodybuilder. We here at Goldsville officially announce our secession from the tyrannical reign of hairy, pale, Metal gear wearing, max effort warriors. Through the following key points, we will outline the rules of our society, rules to which all residents must strictly adhere or face the dreaded ostrich. (Seriously, we have an evil ostrich. I didn’t fail in my attempt to find the right use of the word ostracize…give me a break. I pick things up and put them down.)
Arms must measure at least twenty inches regardless of body weight or strength levels.
The only exception to rule #1: If your arms measure less than the requisite twenty inches, you must be hitting them with high frequency and taking several pre-workout NO boosters daily in an all out effort to get them there.
Elements of narcissism are recommended if not required. You must admire yourself in every mirror possible. Hitting an actual pose is worth bonus points while exposing covered flesh is worth double. An ab shot with one’s shirt raised is the pinnacle and shall be remembered forever with a cell phone picture.
Clothing worn in and out of the gym must tell the world that you lift weights and want to get hyooge. Ridiculously expensive outfits complete with color coordinated shoes and matching gloves and/or lifting straps with monogrammed lifting belts are the “go to” look.
The only exception to rule #4 is the wearing of the high quality, affordable apparel found here at elitefts™.
Vascularity and muscle belly fullness, regardless of temperature or current carbohydrate intake, are required and judged constantly by other residents of Goldsville.
If veins aren’t constantly present, the NPC will determine if you can still be considered for residency.
People must refer to you as huge, jacked, ripped, shredded, nasty, gross, disgusting, veiny, weird, or crazy.
Pinchable fat over half an inch is severely frowned upon.
The exception to rule #9: There is only one post-contest binge bloat. Anyone in violation of rule #7 after more than the seven-day post-contest grace period is required to follow the V-Diet until the problem (fat) is under control.
Max effort work is strictly forbidden. You must never know your 1RM. We only lift for the pump and never do sets below eight reps. We never lockout in an effort to enhance the pump.
The pump is the single greatest feeling in life because Arnold said so.
A nickname is required. The Oak, the Gift, Mr. O, the Shadow, the Chemist, and the Blade are taken. Get your own.
Flex offs are required after every day of lifting. These are like “fat offs,” except even the hint of excess fat or water retention is severely frowned upon.
In fact, you must never retain water. “Old man skin” is highly desirable as it showcases the muscles and veins much better than thick skin.
You must carry yourself through daily life holding the front relaxed pose. To outsiders, this is known as imaginary lat syndrome or ILS.
You must remove your shirt (or pants) at every possible opportunity in order to showcase your “bod.” If this move is socially unacceptable and you proceed to do so anyway, you will have a street or building named in your honor.
Leg day means tights. You’re required to wear tights when training legs, as they keep the joints warm and make you look awesome! (Shorts over top of your spandex is optional.)
You must believe and follow the theory that chicken + rice + Spike is the perfect pre-workout meal.
Under Armor and other physique displaying clothing is required at all times unless stripping down for a posing session or flex off.
If you fail on a lift, you will hear “It’s all you” as you rep out the next two.
There isn’t any off-season. You must always follow a strict diet plan. We in Goldsville can get crazy huge without getting fat or eating crap food.
You must do cardio year round.
You must diet down, go through contest preparation, and apply tanning lotion and posing oils a minimum of one time per year even if you don’t compete.
You must be familiar with and know more than anyone else about every vitamin, mineral, and other supplement known to man.
GNC, the Vitamin Shoppe, and other “health shops” must know you by name and know your regular product purchases.
You may never leave your house without a cooler containing a day’s supply of meals, supplements, and hydration.
One gallon water jugs are the coolest accessory in Goldsville.
You must carry at least one shaker bottle with you at all times just in case you need more protein.
You must spend a minimum of one hour daily preparing food and packing meals.
You must know at every moment exactly what your blood sugar is. If your A1C levels indicate less than healthy dieting, your residency will be terminated.
There are a few similarities we share with our neighbors in Rhodestown:
No food is to be left on your plate. If you throw up during training, you must get those peri-workout nutrients back in your body. We measure everything here in Goldsville, and we will not miss a single gram of any macronutrient.
Progress reports (stretch marks) kick ass and are highly recommended.
You must have trouble wiping your own ass and be willing to deal with the consequences of an unfinished job.
You don’t have to take off your shirt to look jacked (although passing up such an opportunity will call into question your allegiance to Goldsville).
I apologize for the tardiness of my response to the Rhodestown doctrine. I would have finished sooner, but during my posing session after today’s arm blitz, I realized that I needed to shave my forearms again. Then it was time for my next meal, which meant that I also had to prepare and pack meals for the next day. Gotta run…time to tan!
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