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Old 11-03-2009, 03:35 PM   #1
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Max Brawn
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Default 10 Commandments for the Powerlifting Troll

1. Thou shalt pass no lift
There is no such thing as depth. Like Big Foot, no one has ever seen it, and no one ever will. No matter how good the lift appears to be, there is always room for criticism. This holds true for all three lifts.

2. Thou shalt remain anonymous
This is a no-brainer. Why would you want to be accountable for anything you post? It would be difficult to obtain free help or merchandise from lifters or companies if they knew what you actually say about them. An alias is a must. Usually a homoerotic misspelling of your favorite lifterís name works best.

3. Thou shalt not compete or post thy own numbers
Never compete. Why put your reputation on the line and subject yourself to your own standards?
Never post your actual numbers. Your 225-lb bench may earn you a round of high fives at the local fitness center, but it wonít garner any respect from actual lifters. Itís perfectly acceptable to post outrageous numbers you lifted ďback in the day.Ē For some degree of credibility, keep your numbers under current world records. When someone calls BS on youówhich they willóand you have to explain your 315-lb deadlift, have a list of prepared career ending injuries to explain your current weakness. Beat up shoulders for the bench, bad knees for squats, and low back injury for the deadlift are tried and true. This same smart ass will want proof of what you did in a meet. Tell him your total was at a small, unsanctioned meet back east years ago, but a lifetime of self-abuse has permanently damaged your memory and you canít remember minor details such as the venue or date. When in doubt, refer to commandment seven.

4. Thou shalt always give thy opinion
Itís your duty to give your opinion on anything and everything regardless of your knowledge or lack of on the subject. Youíre always right. Others just donít realize it. There is no other opinion but yours. The more incorrect your opinion is, the more you should assert it. Remember, there is a direct link between post count and intelligence. This especially holds true on the subject of training. Itís perfectly acceptable to alter tried and true programs and cite their ineffectiveness based on a single two-week cycle. Feel free to point out flaws in the training and technique of elite lifters.

5. Thou shalt contradict
You should contradict everything and everyone, including yourself, even in the same thread. This helps to sow the seeds of confusion, especially on subjects about training. If asking a question, be sure to pick apart every aspect of the answer. The more experienced your adversary, the more viscous your attack. Keep it polite at first. You donít want to scare him off. Slowly build up to the obnoxious ass you know you can be. When in doubt, refer to commandment seven.

6. Thou shalt use correct grammar and spelling, usually
The beginner troll likes to rely on the caps lock or obvious spelling errors, and while this might trigger reflex actions from the grammar police and spelling Nazis, it will never lure in the sophisticated poster, An elite level troll knows that a careful wrong use of a word or subtle misspelling can draw out even the most troll savvy poster who just canít resist the chance to correct you, especially if you keep an on-line log everyone knows but no one reads.

7. Thou shalt question sexual orientation
When confronted, called out, or proved wrong or when youíre in a hurry and canít think of a good comeback, question your opponentís sexual orientation for no reason. This trumps any response and shows everyone just how hardcore you really are. There is no way to come back from this.

8. Thou shalt be fruitful and multiple thy accounts
You must have multiple, dedicated troll accounts ready for your inevitable deletion. There are times when you will be detected or even revealed. Know when to move on to the next screen name.

9. Thou shalt not suffer the gear whore among thee
No other topic, except maybe federation wars, can stir the pot as much as equipped versus raw. The raw zealot, while shouting ďdrug free for life,Ē is quick to recognize the fact that gear instantly doubles your total. Throw in a different kind of gear and it renders training a mere formality.

10. Thou are hardcore
In any forum, you make the rules. No one can withstand your fury. Feel free to throw your weight around and intimidate whoever you please, knowing that if you strictly adhere to commandment number two, you will never have to back it up.

Origin: The Ten Commandments for the Powerlifting Troll
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