In a major funk
Some of you may have noticed that I've been awol for a few weeks. I've been training religiously, as always, but I've found myself unmotivated to log or talk about training stuff. I feel like I'm completely directionless at the moment with my training, and I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I've never been gifted when it comes to training. I've had to accept that I'll always have a little more fat, a little less muscle, and be a little weaker than other people. That may seem defeatist, but it's true. Lately, it's gotten worse than ever. When I eat for strength and muscle I do gain size and get stronger, but I gain too much fat. When I try to cut any of the fat I absolutely lose every bit of strength and muscle I gained. I keep ending up in the exact same place no matter what I do. I have to choose between fat and strong and lean and weak, and it SUCKS. The worst part is absolutely working my ass off only to find myself in the exact same place 6 months later. Same weight, same numbers on my lifts.
Some of you may remember that I was quite strong a little while back. This was mostly from my experimentation with prohormones (essentially steroids). That's another part of the problem. Not only does my wife abhor me using, we also have baby #2 officially on the way, so I just can't afford to keep cycling gear. Because of a poor choice of diet (Low carb. My body hates low carb. I sure wish I hadn't had to learn that the hard way.) and going natty, I lost every bit of strength I had when I was on. At this point I don't even know if it's possible for me to EVER be that strong again naturally, and that thought robs me of any motivation to train for strength.
I went from repping out on squats with 385 and hitting 315x10 (Both 100% raw) to almost getting pinned by 315 only a matter of months later.
I just don't know where to go from here. I tried to get really lean a couple months ago, and not only did I fail to really get that lean, I lost even more strength in the process. I tried some bodybuilding and failed miserably because I couldn't build muscle without getting fat. Currently I'm weaker than I want to be, but I also find myself too fat, and I certainly don't have as much muscle as I want to have. No matter what I train for I can't win, because whichever one of these I choose to train for, I have to sacrifice the other 2.
On top of all this, my foot is still messed up. I can't do ANY cardio and my only conditioning training is squats. I have an appointment for a treatment called "shockwave" next month which actually required me to take 2 weeks off of work because it will basically leave me unable to walk or even drive for a while. I don't even think it'll work. Nothing else has.
I don't know...maybe I should take a break? I love training, it keeps me going, but training with no goal seems pointless. I can't focus on one thing, but if I try to train for strength while staying lean my tires just spin in the mud.
Current PRs at 242, raw w/ wraps- 525, 355, 605, 1485
Roboro tui, perimo vester adversarius
(Build yourself, destroy your enemy)