Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: London City UK
Training Type: 5x5
Fav Exercise: One arm dumbbell rows.
Right I'll explain everything you're asking me now. Please read it all, I know it'll be abit boring, but if you could get through it then I think you'd understand where I'm coming from.
When I said I couldn't go on, I was meaning with the weights, not that I was suicidal. I should've thought before I said that, I'm sorry.
I have a very happy life in general.
Now I'll get into it, hopefully you'll understand.
First, What my OCD IS, and what it Is NOT.
The type of OCD I have is known as "Pure-O" OCD.
A sub-catagorie of OCD, that is unlike the usuall ritual based OCD.
Pure-O OCD is FEAR based.
The things you fear the most are dwelled upon, questioned, re-questioned, questioned again, and obsessivly thoguht about.
Things are resolved, only to be re-thought over to start worrying again. Eventually these thoughts usually subside about that particular thing, but it can be years.
Even when that worrie is gone, theres something else ou pick up on.
It starts with a single thoguht. "what if?". Then it escellates and snowballs from there.
My biggest one, and up until just now faded one, is the fear of fat gain.
WHY I'M LIFTING WEIGHTS:
.For my confidence
.To look good
.To be physically healthy and fit
.Because I enjoy it
.For modeling and To get better modeling jobs in the future.
The benifits of lifting for me are life changing, and its very much a huge part of my life now.
Look at those bullet pointed reasons as to why I lift weights.
NOW. Add FAT GAIN onto each one of those sentences.
.Confidence: Getting fatter than I was before would makemy confidence plummet.
.To look good: Looking noticably fatter primarily in my face, een if I had more muscle, would in my opinion make me look worse.
.To be healthy and fit:.Looking fatter, BEING fatter, doesn't make me anymore healthy, and certainly not anymore fit, even if I had more muscle.
.Because I enjoy it: I wont be enjoying it if I look fatter. If I'm not looking better, then My motivation wont be there and I wont be enjoying it anymore.
.For Moddeling: I couldn't even BE a moddel anymore if my face started getting fatter.
LOOK at how lifechanging it'd be for me, if I got visibly fatter.
What does Pure-O OCD lock onto? WHAT YOU FEAR THE MOST!
I'd lose all my confidence, my job, I wouldn't look good, I'd be depressed, I'd feel unfit, etc; etc;
I hope that makes you understand somewhat as to WHY this is such a massive deal to me.
I'm trying to do something that will EXELLAERATE AND ENHANCE all of those points.
But at the same time. It could destroy them all. All because of fat.
WHAT MY OCD IS NOT
I spoke with Steve about a month ago about my fears.
He suggested I speak to my parents, and go to see a professional. Which I did.
She diagnosed me with text book OCD,, and I'll be seeing another therapist for some treatment in the following month.
I don't ignore you're advice Steve. I never will, remember that. I do listen to you.
I know allot of you think I'm going to develop or already have developed and eating disorder.
I do not believe I am fat. Nor do I believe I will ever get actually "FAT". I'll explain about that later on.
I don't know about you guys but I've never seen an anorexic person on a calorie surplus,.
If I was anorexic or had an eating disorder, I'd think I was fat. Not fear that I might, while I ate nearly 3000 calories a day and lifted weight 4 times a week.
This is OCD. I've been diagnosed, and I can guarantee it.
Something else to remember: Some of you will recall the Blood Clot fear I had, and still have to a degree.
Again, I had a huge fear of dieing in the night due to deep vein thrombosis. Sounds insane, but yes.
I'd research and ask questions, obsess over it ALL THE TIME. Its the exact same thing as the fat gain worry.
A you'll know this is one of the big ones, and I wanted to point out something thats been mistaken.
I know I wont get "FAT". Of course I wont. Like BtB always says, no teen gets fat from eating 3000 calories of clean foods.
My fear is of putting on visible fat. I'm quite clearly not going to get, overweight, but the fear is I'll start becoming NON-AESTHETIC
That I just wont look good anymore.
I'll look pudgier, and my face will lose its definition.
WHERE I'M AT NOW:
I HAD come quite a log way in terms of the worrying.
I'd eaten on a surplus, trying to ignore the fear, and lifted how you told me.
However, its cropped back up.
The good point is its not half as bad as it was before.
Remember when I wouldn't even start eating on a surplus because I was so afraid?
I've managed 2 months of carrying on anyway despite my fear, and trusting you guys, and the process,
and now I've had a blip.
It can be rectified though.
I think its best form to realize straight off that there will be blips where I remember this fear I have, until it goes away for good.
I'm hoping you guys can guide me through it though. It doesn't mean I have to ever stop lifting.
The fear is there, but I try to push through it because I trust you. Like I have done for the past 2 months.
Yes, there's been blips along the way, and yes, heres yet another one, but youv'e helped me every time, and it works, even if momentarily it allows me to just carry on and try to ignore it.
I'm not Ill. I just have this crappy OCD to deal with, and I CAN deal with it, with you're help.
What Steve told me.
I don't need fat loss, I need MUSCLE.
The reason my physique isn't the way I want it is through lack of muscle.
Idea is that I carry on gaining weight, usng my noobie gains, my age, my test levels, and matabolism to my advantage, and end up the same or lower bodyfat than I started off with.
Thus adding quality muscle, while maintaining the difinition in my face, and not getting any visibly fatter, just moe muscular.
Fat gain is inevitable of course, but as Steve says, adding 30 pounds of muscle, and only 15 pounds of fat will make you look 100 times better than you did originally, and for me hopefully result in me keeping to same or lowing my body fat % slightly.
AS LONG AS I DON'T GET VISIBLY FATTER, I DON'T CARE ABOUT BODY FAT %.
Weather tat will actually happen to me or not is where the fear edges its way into what youv'e said.
Not that I don't believe you, or that I don''t listen. I totally understand the process you've been trying to get me to understand.
It just comes back to the fact that OCD Latches onto the things you ear the most. And it can make the truth seem blurry, even though I'm having expert advice from you, telling me it'll be ok.
Its causing me to question everything. I can't help that.
But you can help me, and I can help myself.