I could swore they said you were an expert at Nuclear engineering, El Presidente of a small South American dictatorship, and was raised by a clan of Ninjas.
Maybe they would be willing to do a retraction and kick you some dough to actually write an article, or go hard and tell them you will mobilize an internet boycott against them. And will design your own rubbber wristband that will be much cooler and undercut their earnings. In a couple of months you could have muscle and brawn wristbands at 7-11's everywhere. I think Old English letters and off-road tire design for the bracelet would sell like hotcakes.