Beast Mode: How to Become a Hardcore Squatter
It’s time to put aside the bullshit and get under the bar. Ready? Who cares if you’re ready – it’s time to squat!
If you want to be hardcore – not the type of “hardcore” that involves wearing Under Armour and riding a crotch rocket – but rather the type of hardcore where you define who you are by what you do, then let’s get to gettin‘. It’s time to enter beast mode. To become a hardcore squatter you need to:
Stop Being a Pussy
What does this mean? It means get under the bar and start hammering out reps. It means screw having a plan, I’m just going to go squat today. And squat heavy! You need to put aside the excuses…”my ass hurts, my nut hurts, I’m tired, my sister is tired”…and just do it.
The truth is this: building muscle isn’t magic. It’s hard work. And the cornerstone of hard work is a dedication to the fundamental mass building exercise, squats. So stop being a pussy, quit your whining, tell you friend who keeps saying “squats will ruin your knees” to bite it, and head to the gym.
You know that little movement you do in the squat rack with the bar on your back – the one where you load the bar and only sink down 3 inches – well I have news for you. That’s not a squat. That’s not even a 1/2 squat. That’s called a quarter squat, my friend, and the only thing this quarter squat will accomplish is helping you reach the grave a lot sooner.
If you want to be a man, go deep. Real men go deep. Ask any woman, if you’re not too shy. Deep squats build beastly quads, and raw brute strength. If you’re not squatting to at least parallel you might as well hit the thigh abductor with the rest of the women.
Stop Pushing With Your Legs
Listen to what I’m about to say…the squat is NOT a standing leg press. You do NOT push yourself up from a squatting position with your legs. The squat is a hips, hamstrings, glutes, lower back, abs AND quads movement. But have no fear, your quads WILL grow.
Here’s how you squat. Sink deep into the hole (see above – women prefer deep squatters), then raise your ass up to start the movement, and pull your hips forward to finish the squat. Now class, repeat after me:
Ass up, hips forward, ass up, hips forward…
So that’s it, little germs. That’s all you need to know to become a hardcore squatter. Get your ass to the gym, squat deep, and ass up, hips forward. Do this and you will be in some serious pain tomorrow.
How do you know if you’re squatting enough? Remember this mantra:
“If it’s painful to sit and shit, you’ve had a good squat workout.”