I’ve let RHODESTOWN slide. I’ve been busy with so many things that the anger hasn’t been there. That’s because I’ve been off the forums and away from the f%&*ing dregs of society who thrive on putting people down. Life is pretty good.
But, I’ve run into another group of retards that make my blood boil. Not because they’re bad people, but because they’re just dumb, weak or both. Neither is okay.
You Know You’re Weak If…
1. You ask about chain weight or band tension at the top/bottom of the lift.
Really? You’re still worried about this stuff? If you perseverate on this, I bet you can’t bench 200 pounds and probably can’t squat even close to that. If you can, I bet you’re half-squatting. If you have the time or need to try and calculate the band tension or chain weight, you’re wasting valuable energy that could be spent lifting the weights that you’re trying to calculate. You’re weak.
2. You e-mail or call the gym asking, “How much do the stones weigh?”
Again…really? This is the same as above. Lift the f*%^ing piece of round, molded cement onto the platform. If you can, good for you. If you can’t, you’re weak. Get stronger and keep trying. Eventually, with some hard work and dedication, you’ll achieve your goals. If not, you’re weak.
3. You compare your strength to those in your age group or your weight class.
Who cares? If you’re strong, it doesn’t matter what you weigh or how old you are. As a side note, it’s never the elite level guys who worry about their weight/strength ratio. They all recognize strong and applaud it, regardless of weight class or age group. Strong is strong. There are no two ways about it. If you worry about this or make these comparisons, you’re weak.
4. Grunt or scream while doing conditioning work.
Wow! These guys kill me. I see it all too much. They’re either flipping a 350 pound tire, hitting it with an 8 pound sledgehammer, or just flopping around on the ground doing something resembling – but nothing like – a burpee or mountain climber. Come on! Are you so starved for attention that you find the need to grunt on EVERY SINGLE REP? This is a sure sign that you’re weak and you feel the need to show or tell everyone in the gym that you’re working hard. Hint! If you work hard, people will notice. No need to clutter up the airwaves with loud, useless grunting that only makes you look weak.
5. You have all of the necessary supplements for the strength enthusiast, but without the strength.
You know who I’m talking about. We all have the guy(s) who come into the gym with all the gear necessary to equip a small Mexican village. They have the latest in pre-workout supplements. You know, the ones that increase protein synthesis up to 40002% per workout. They also have psycho-rage focus accelerators that help you stay ultra-intense for up to 13 days per serving. Plus, they have beta-alanine for those who want to look and feel like they have Parkinson’s.
Then, as if this isn’t enough, they have the during workout mix that includes, but is certainly not limited to, the proper blend of BCAA’s – because the books say we should take them, Waxy Maize – it’s just old chalk from school but ground up and slightly flavored, some special blend of whey protein – it’s super ionized, molecularly distilled, but not pasteurized, and versions of casein-blends that are guaranteed to increase muscular size by 236543% in a matter of seconds, but only IF you take it at the precise moment in time, when the sun and moon line up with Orion’s belt.
Don’t forget CREATINE! Super beta exchanged crea-alkalyn, (I can’t even spell the word because it’s not real) monohydrate, but monohydrate doesn’t work because it’s cheap and tasteless. So, we’ll tweak a great product to make the idiots think our new brand is better, when in actuality, it’s just brilliant marketing. You want real gains, take a gram of test a week and save your money for a house.
We’re not done here. You have to drink half of this during the workout. Half of that three-quarters of the way through the workout, and save at least two-thirds of that for the end of the workout. This is so you can hurry up and try to remember the next blend of awesome uselessness that you need to take inside of the special window of time to increase insulin-sensitivity. Then, you can absorb the special nutrients that’ll help fuel your workouts for the next day. Need fuel? Drink a Red Bull and take a gram of test.
Nope, not done yet. If you want to maintain your weight, you need to take a two-to-one carb/protein mix. If you want to burn fat, but gain muscle…it has to be a three-to-one ratio. But if you just want to get bigger, and kind of know how to train, make it four-to-one. However, be careful that only half of the good sugar is waxy maize and the rest is high fructose corn syrup mixed with table sugar. Do not, under any circumstances, take this at anytime other than exactly 13.02 minutes after you put down your last weight for the day. Without this ultimate timing, you’re guaranteed to fail. Got that?
6. Equipment guy. Usually the same as the guy above, continued.
He’s got four different belts. One for when he trains raw, one for benching, one for strongman training – because Mariusz has one and it looks cool, and a fourth one for wearing the gear. Of course they’re all two-prong belts that are absolutely the worst ever! Once you get one prong set, there’s no way the other one is still in place.
Knee wraps. Yup. Knee sleeves for squatting, deadlifting and benching. A separate pair for overhead pressing, plus another two pairs for training strongman events. The knee wrap scenario is exactly the same. You can never have too many knee wraps, right?
Wrist wraps are always soon to follow. There are more wrist wraps than knee sleeves/wraps. There are more colors, styles, and designs, so let’s spend more money that could help pay off the mortgage on wrist wraps that you simply don’t need. But, because you’re weak, you put three pairs on, then cover them with wrist bands and curse guys who wear gear because they’re cheating.
Don’t forget the array of squat suits, briefs, bench shirts and deadlift suits, for conventional and sumo pulling. The shirts that 3,000 pounds would come within a foot of touching in, the suits that make you look like you squat deep, and all the excuses to accompany any of the many situations that arise as a result of being weak.
7. Counting calories/carb cycling.
I guess you guys need an excuse to be weak. We all need scapegoats and there’s nothing better than being able to blame our diets.
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